All Behaviour Serves a Purpose

Behaviour

If we waste time trying to change a behaviour without recognising that the behaviour is as a result of an emotional reaction to something, we will be wasting a lot of time!

Beneath every behaviour is an emotion that created it.  Why? Well the behaviour is trying to voice the emotion or help it in some way.   An example would be:  ‘I feel sad, empty unloved’  The answer ..CAKE!  Okay that is a bit of a sweeping example but its what we do when an emotion is unhappy, not at ease with itself.  That’s why I love the word, DIS-EASE!

Getting to the Root

Traditional therapy spends a lot of time giving you strategies to change a behaviour. Sometimes that works but if you really want to deal with the issue stop pruning branches and go for the root!

Emotions

I can’t change a past event or make your current situation better in any material way.  I can’t find you a nicer husband, better job, well behaved kids, but I can help you deal with all of that by working with you to find the emotion behind all the things that are causing you DIS-EASE.

We create our realities, we choose how to think and feel, we are responsible for how we think and feel, and so if your struggling with something right now, you can spend a lot of time and money trying to change the behaviour the feeling of DIS-EASE has created.  Or you can go to the root, find the underpinning emotion that created the feeling and ask it ‘Why?’  Help it, and if it feels listened too and understood it will quieten down.

Its all about you!

You have have the answers inside you

In a School this week introducing how we can manage our emotions rather than be controlled by them to children from the age of 6 to 11, I came across a quote that really sums it all up.

“There is a soul bird who lives inside us all.
This special bird has the keys to our innermost emotions and feelings. It knows the secret places where we hide away our happiness, anger, joy, jealousy and sorrows.
Are you ready to listen to your soul bird?”
Michal Snunit.

Then today I received a beautiful letter from a client:

I don’t know if you realise just how much you help people like me.

You asked me for a hug and we then went on a journey that for me has given me back the freedom to do the things other people take in their stride – going up and down stairs, using escalators, crossing bridges, getting on and off trains.  Those and more were my phobias.

I honestly don’t know what you did that day, but you told me I would feel different for the next few days.  I left you and as I drove home I felt a weight lifted from me – I felt lighter and nothing ‘got to me’.

I did things my ‘problem’ had instilled in me without thinking.    I walked over bridges and calmly walked up and down unknown stairs to see the penguins with my precious granddaughter aged 3.

I know I can tell xxxx “I’ve got this, I’m ok” and I will be ok.

Thank you just doesn’t seem enough for what you have given back to me.  SMH

This lady found her inner soul bird, her emotions, her Super Power that helped her overcome her phobias and allowed her to spend time with her granddaughter doing those special things, experiencing that special time.  All I did was show her a path to that soul bird, her Super Power, her emotions.  She did the rest.

Burn Out, Stress, Anxiety – Take Time For YOU

Burn Out, Stress, Anxiety

We are warned when we are training about the ‘BURN OUT’ but I don’t think it matters what you do for a living or who you are as it can happen to all of us.

Its all too easy to swallow the stress of getting the job down, the ferrying of your kids about, paying the mortgage and you just keep going – pushing through because if you don’t who will and every other story you tell yourself.

Take it from me, it is so important to find a way to say NO, (if this offends I would suggest you question the relationship!).  Take time away.  An hour in the bath with a non work related book, sit in Hyde Park the listening to music, go fishing, play tennis, whatever is your thing – the world won’t end.

DON’T ignore your bodies warning signals, telling yourself ‘it will be alright’ your just tired….   Down time from whatever you do is so very important and not taking it will result in you not be able to do the things that you want or need to do.

Remember, when on a plane you are told to put your oxygen mask on first so you are strong enough to help others. Nothing you think you have to do is more important than YOU.  If you don’t listen to what your body is telling you, then you wont be able to do the things that are in front of you.

No, I’m not burnt out, but I do have lots on and it’s a timely reminder to ask you all to remember:  TAKE TIME FOR YOU  xxx

Growing Pains in Teenagers – School, Exams and the Stress

Growing Pains

I had a client describe her teenager as a ‘Growing Pain’   Bugger I giggled!

I don’t have kids and although sometimes its a huge regret in my life, sometimes I thank God for sparring me the growing pains or rather having to stand by helplessly why they go through them.

I am getting more and more teenagers in The Hut. Fortunately my normal therapist attire settles them – jeans!

They come because weight issues,self-esteem issues, bullying, but they also come because they get so very strung out over school work and especially exams.

One of the first youngsters I worked with was a lovely lad.  Polite, intelligent, straight A student – or should have been.

But the moment it got near exam time he went into melt down, not eating, not sleeping, becoming withdrawn – becoming a very troubling ‘Growing Pain’.  As we talked he explained that he enjoyed school and found the work easy.  He knew he knew all the answers in most exams, struggled a bit with maths but could not understand why he got in such a state on the day and did not trust the answers he wrote and had panic attacks in the middle of the exam.

I asked how he knew he knew the stuff and he explained that studying in his room, he just knew he knew. If only he could do his exams in his room and not in the exam hall that equated to failure, and panic.

Emotional Anchor

I gave him an Anchor.

No, not a pointy metal thing!! A Thought Anchor.

Before we started I asked him to give his exam fear a score.  Ten out of ten being terrified.  He got 12!!!!!

In a light trance I got him to tell me everything about his room, the decor, the lighting, the sounds and smells, and to notice how relaxed he felt there. When I could see him physically relax and smile at the thought, I lightly touched his wrist, creating a memory Anchor he could use any time.

I asked him to open his eyes and think about the exam room again. On a score of one to ten, ten being terrified, the thought was an down to 2.

Bless him.

I got him to touch his wrist and again the smile and his body relaxed.

He used the Anchor before and during the next exam and was able to place himself in his room rather than the hall.

And guess what??   He sailed through the exam and the next lot, even maths!

If you have a “Growing Pain” going through this, they really don’t have to and although it makes their world better, it will reduce the “pain” level in yours too!

Ali xxx

 

We create our own emotion realities

Our memory is like a picture creating our own emotional realities

If you take a picture of a sunny day and happy people doing relaxing stuff and with the aid of a computer you change the cloud formation from blue to grey, you remove the sun,  add in a few thunder clouds and torrential rain you will completely change your emotional response to that picture.

If you take a favourite film and a scene of someone happily carefree skipping through the woods and change the uplifting music to the theme from Jaws, you will completely change your emotional response to that film.

Just by changing a colour or a sound we can change how you emotionally react to something. And believe me if you watch Snow White with all the happy animals to the Jaws theme music you will really struggle to not have an anxious feeling everytime you watch that movie even if you’ve given it back its original sound track.

Why is this useful to know? Well as a therapist I can’t change a past event but can change how your mind perceives that event by adjusting the memory slightly. I would be changing the grey to brighter colours and the Jaws theme to something energising, up lifting, and fun.

By doing that I can help you change for ever your emotional memory of something.  Making the memory much easier to live with or with a little more of a make-over, change it to memory that does not make you feel the need to push your anxious button.

The only thing that makes what I remember and what you remember is the emotion we attach to it that colours it.

What colour would make your emotional realities more comfortable?

 

  * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

How to teach children empathy

Can you imagine a world where kids understand the words and meaning of self-worth, resilience, empathy…

I think that would heal our world, but to start to teach kids a word they maybe have to be able to pronounce it and you kind of need them to have an understanding of its true meaning. I am 50 years old and I had to look up the meaning of emotional resilience!

I write children’s books about a lad called Ollie.  Ollie has super powers.  These super powers are his emotions.  Through my training as a therapist I teach kids that they do have control of their superpowers and that only they can control them and choose what super power they want to utilise to get them through stuff. Through the Ollie stories we playfully and very simplistically introduce the concepts of resilience and empathy.  Only then do we use the big words.

I believe there are no bad kids.  I believe all behaviour serves a purpose, usually a positive or protective purpose.  And that our youngsters don’t always have the emotional understanding or language to explain where they are at sometimes and that all they can do is use the emotions we resort to in heightened emotional states, happy, angry sad etc.

Imagine a world where kids get empathy…. What would that world look like? Through the Ollie books I am doing all I can to try and ensure future generations will get to live in that world.

www.ollieandhissuperpowers.com

 

  *  Disclaimer : results may vary from person to person

We create our own realities!

Ever noticed when you’re feeling a bit low, maybe at the onset of a cold and someone says, “you look rough.” You suddenly think, “do I”?  “It must be man flu.” And you create that reality and it probably progresses to man flu (not to be taken as lightly man flu is real).

Or, how when you’re out with friends, having a great time and someone gets a phone call with bad news.  All of you suddenly feel instantly sad, the room seems less bright, the music less enjoyable?

We can change our realities in an instant just with the power of an emotion.

Emotions are by far the most powerful thing on our planet.  If someone could invent an emotional time bomb all other weapons would be obsolete.

In an instant we can change how we feel or think about something and that literally colours our world.

But here’s the thing.  So many people come to me with a belief created by an emotion, a belief that is holding them back.  For example ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not attractive’. This belief was created in seconds.  So why do people struggle with the concept that what can be created in seconds by an emotion can’t be corrected in seconds by a more positive one.

Ever heard the saying be careful what you wish for?  It’s the same thing.  Be careful what you allow yourself to think.

No one can make you think, feel or colour your world unless you choose to let them.

* Disclaimer: results may vary from person to person