Childhood shapes us – all behaviour serves a purpose!

All Behaviour serves a purpose

Anyone else watching the re runs of the classic “Birds of a Feather”?

Tonight’s episode is about Sharon and Tracy getting an invite to a school reunion. The invite comes from a lady that used to bully Sharon at school. This bully put Sharon in a dust bin and sat on the lid for hours. Classic comedy but very good.  Sharon declares that she eats so much due to that trauma, her subconscious is protecting her by making sure she can’t fit in a dust bin again!.  Class!

But the thing is, she could be a client that has come to me for help with comfort eating and weight loss. Only by working with a client and getting to the initial emotional event that caused the issue can we deal with it. This is just comedy but the truth is, just by uncovering an event from your past, that you may not connect to, allows you to look at the event and subsequent behaviour as an adult and realize in Sharon’s case that its highly unlikely anyone is going to try and put her in a bin today.  So she really does not need to eat so match to make sure it does not happen again.

Comedy moment!  Comedy explanation of comfort eating but a very good example of how your subconscious joins the dots and creates behaviours that made sense to you as a child but are completely inappropriate and unnecessary today.  And often the memory is blurred if the event was a negative one.

This sounds very, very simplistic but a client comes to me with a phobia or a habit that is holding them back in some way. Working together to get to the memory of the event that created the presenting issue is amazing to watch.  It’s a real light bulb moment for a client and often just understanding why they do what they do is enough to stop the behaviour permanently *.

All behaviour serves a purpose

Obviously some early year traumas cannot be dealt with so lightly.  But even in those cases, once a client understands why they react or behave in a certain manner it’s like watching a huge cloud lift off them. *

Birds of a Feather – one of my better memories.

 

  * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

Turn it off Turn if On – stress & anxiety workshop

“It was one of the best study days I’ve ever been on”

Ali was lucky enough to be asked by the midwives of North and East Hertfordshire RCM to run a Turn it off Turn it on workshop which is designed to help you learn how to manage stress and anxiety.

During the day the attendees learn a number of techniques and communications skills that allow them be better able to handle the pressure of every day work life and giving them the ability to leave work at work. Its a very emotional day as people put the things in place that have been holding them back or giving them concern.  The day is ended with a 30 minute relaxation roundup session where everything the attendees have been taught is refocused and given balance.*

From one of the attendees:

I’ve been at work this morning and I bumped into a couple of my colleagues who attended yesterday,  one of the participants stated, ” it was one of the best study days I’ve ever been on”. 

Working as a midwife can at times, be a difficult and heart wrenching job that can make us feel vulnerable and at times we get  disillusioned by a system that doesn’t always support our emotional wellbeing.  It was both a thought provoking and empowering day and it has certainly made me think about changing my own attitude and put in place some skills and techniques that we learnt .  Ali and her team have amazing energy and it was lovely they sat and chatted to us during the lunch break. I really enjoyed how the day ended, with some deep relaxation while  powerful affirmations were delivered, POWER…

  * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

 

Ali nominated for a Best You Award

Nominee-BadgeThe Best Personal Development Author

Ali has been nominated for The Best Personal Development Author Award with the winner to be announced at the The Best You Gala ceremony on the 4th March 2017.

The award is in recognition of the most talented author that demonstrates an outstanding degree of groundbreaking achievement in Personal Development.  Ali was nominated for Ollie and his Super Powers. Knowles-Wiltshi_Ollie-and-His-S_978-1-78592-049-3_colourjpg-webhttps://www.ollieandhissuperpowers.com/

For more information about the 2017 awards, the expo or to book  tickets to the Gala event please go to  https://thebestyouexpo.com/awards/

Ali would like to thank everyone who nominated her.

What part of you makes you behave as you do

What Part of you?

People come to the hut with an identity created by their issues – so I get “I’m, depressed, I’m an alcoholic, I’m over weight, I have no motivation, I have low self-worth etc.

URM………. My attitude is you are none of those things.  They are not who you are but they are what you’re doing at the moment. I also believe all behaviour serves a purpose, so there must be a purpose behind the way you are behaving. Most of the time that behaviour although in its self-debilitating in some way, I believe, its actually trying to protect you in some way.

Think about it.  Drinking to make stuff go away, comfort eating, not daring to try or look forward…

I truly believe that our behaviours are actually trying to help but that that help often causes more issues. A bit like taking anti-depressants to keep you on an even kill.  The intent is good but the outcome is rarely a desired solution state.

Behaviours are, in my mind, created by emotion.  Emotions are the things that make us unique individuals. With children, I call these emotions superheroes to give them substance and so I can dissociate the issue from the child. In adults I call them ‘parts of us’.

By very simply asking the part of you called depressed, or the part that thinks it’s got no confidence or the part that want to eat cake “what its problem is?”  The key being what IT’S problem is not what your problem is.  It never seizes to amaze me or my client what jumps into their minds!

I have low self-worth – well how can that be helping you?

I can’t stop eating cakes – how is that helping you?

I am depressed – how is that helping you?

Often the client can’t answer and just says it’s not!

But if I ask the part of them why it’s being so controlling – it’s amazing what comes out

I have no self-worth – well if I keep myself thinking that I won’t try so cant fail like last time when….

I can’t stop eating cakes – well if I keep eating cakes I feel loved close mum used to give me sweets and cakes when I was sad so………..

I am depressed – well if I stay depressed I won’t expect and won’t be disappointed again like last time when….

Generalisations but you get my drift.

All behaviour serves a purpose and that purpose is trying to protect you.

I don’t waste your time trying to make you laugh or stop eating cakes, quick fixes that solve the effect but don’t deal with cause. I work with you to help you with the issue doing what you do is protecting you from. Parts therapy is powerful because it starts straight away by making what you are struggling with part of you not all of you, freeing you from that identity, so you can look at the issue its trying to block out. *

 * disclaimer: results may vary from person to person

Why try Hypnotherapy

Well let’s start with what is hypnosis?

To be hypnotised is to be in a trance state. To be trapped in a behaviour or thought.  Think about what your struggling with right now, a habit you want to kick, a fear or phobia that controls you – well that’s you in a trance,

My job as a” hypnotherapist” is to break you out of that trance state. Set you free from it.

But in order to do that we have to understand why you created the trance state in the first place. I believe all behaviour serves a purpose. Consider a fear of dogs, when you see a dog you get anxious – that is your body protecting you.  That’s your amazing subconscious remembering an incident that created your phobia and doing its best to stop you being in any danger going forward, so it heightens your awareness of dogs and makes you anxious, creating a phobia.

So all though the phobia can be deliberating it’s actually designed to try and protect you.

So not only does all behaviour serve a purpose, it’s trying to serve a positive one!

To free you from that protective behaviour we have to understand where it came from and if it’s still a need in you to be so alert.

I do that by helping you revisit the initial event.  Cliché as it may sound it’s often something from your child hood because that when we are learning how to stay safe in our world.

More often than not, the first event that created your habit or fear or phobia was created in a much younger less capable, less aware you than you are today.

An example – let’s use the dog phobia…

A lady in her 40’s came to me as she has had a phobia of dogs all her life and wants to marry the love of her life but guess what? Yep he comes with two dogs!

Well, we spent some time going back to her initial event that created her fear. Her memory was of being little and being mauled by a huge dog!

Scary – no wander she has a phobia!

Through NLP language techniques we were able to find the true event in her memory. I say true because every time we bring up a memory we change it without knowing it. You see you and but you cannot think like you did as a child because you know more, you are more worldly wise, you are bigger, stronger.

So every time you remember something you will be adding your current belief systems to that event.

When we cut through that and actually got this lovely lady to travel back down her life line to the event and watch as if watching a movie, what we say was a young girl in the park and an overzealous puppy bounding up to lick her but because she was small it toppled her over and she hurt her arm as she fell. 

As an adult watching this she realised that the dog was not trying to maul her, in fact it did not really hurt her at all – it was just because she was so little.

The lovely lady realised instantly that that could not happen again – a puppy could not knock her over, the dog was only playing….

She is still mindful of big dogs but I am happy to report that she has let go of her phobia of all dogs and wedding bells are ringing again.

All behaviour serves a purpose and usually a protective one, but the key is that that behaviour was created in a time and place and circumstance that doesn’t exist now and cannot exist now.

 * Disclaimer: results may vary from person to person

All behaviour serves a purpose

All behaviour serves a purpose

And it’s controlled by your own little body guard!

A young girl was bought to me because she had been expelled from school.  Well schools to be precise, because of unruly behaviour and stealing from home – her foster home.

She would do anything to gain attention that usually resulted in detention.

Various therapists had tried to help her recognise her behaviour was not acceptable but to no avail.

It seems – “stop it” was just not registering with her.

She did not want to talk to me, another therapist, and so I didn’t try to engage her.  I just requested that as she was here and I appreciated she did not want to be, that she should amuse herself for the hour while I got on with some work.

I then turned my back on her and started to talk to my toy doll, Ollie.

“Well Ollie, I don’t believe that you like getting into so much trouble, so I guess your little body guard super power has a good reason for it.  Can I talk to him please?”

I then proceeded to pull out the little bodyguard superpower from Ollie and with it gently cupped in my hand I began talking to it.

“Now little chap, this is interesting because the little girl sat behind me is with a foster family too so you two have a lot in common.” (I caught the little girl out of the corner of my eye- she was watching me)

“Ok little bodyguard.  Now either you hate school and hate your foster family…… but no, that can’t be it, because you’re the bodyguard and you’re about protection, so let me see, how is this behaviour helping you protect Ollie?”

I then suggested some things e.g.

“Do you steal to make people hate you…. now that can’t be it because you then do all you can for their attention….”

“Do you misbehave so people won’t like you…..? Now that can’t be it because you want their attention…”

“Ok little chap, you got me, I think I might finally have been beaten – I admit – I don’t know why you’re doing these things.”

I looked crest fallen and sat very quiet with a very sad look on my face. After a few minutes the little girl said very quietly “maybe it’s not because he wants attention.”

Without turning around I said, “Really – you think – no – I don’t understand that… it has to be about getting attention.”

The little girl said, “Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to be hungry.”

I still did not turn round but stayed focussed on Ollie, “no I don’t think that’s it – his foster family are lovely and take care of him so that can’t be it.”

The little girl said, “Maybe he is afraid that they might not feed him or his little sister and….”

At that point I turned around, the little girl was in tears….

Basically, she and her sister were in foster care because of an abusive family life, part of which was being locked in their room with no food for – well I don’t know how long.  If she clowned around and made her parents and their friends laugh she got “thrown” food! So she had learnt that if she acted up and did what the kids at school dared her to do they would give her sweets, she stole food from home and was hiding it and money in her room – just in case.

 All behaviour serves a purpose………..

Working with her lovely foster mum we got her a box and filed it with food, that was her emergency box for her and her little sister. Then we started working on getting her through the abuse her and her sister had suffered.

There are no bad kids, all behaviour serves a purpose and in kids it’s usually drills down to their need of security and feeling safe. I am pleased to report she has settled down and better still it looks like her foster family may well become her forever home.

   * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

 

Learn to speak ‘ Ollie ‘

An evening with Alison Knowles, author of the Ollie and his Super Powers series of books.

Ollie and his Super Powers are going on the road with dates being set for an evening introduction to speaking ‘Ollie’.  The first event is being held in St Ives, at the Free Church on the 7th September, 7-9pm.  Tickets are only £5 and are available on the door or you can get them from Caroline on Caroline@subconquest.co.uk.

You will learn why Ollie came about and get an understanding of how to use the Ollie language every day.  Its set to be an interesting evening with lots of laughs and some really useful tips.  You will also get to meet a few of our Coaches that have been trained in how to use the Ollie techniques.  The toys and books will be available to buy at discounted rates.

 

We create our own realities!

Ever noticed when you’re feeling a bit low, maybe at the onset of a cold and someone says, “you look rough.” You suddenly think, “do I”?  “It must be man flu.” And you create that reality and it probably progresses to man flu (not to be taken as lightly man flu is real).

Or, how when you’re out with friends, having a great time and someone gets a phone call with bad news.  All of you suddenly feel instantly sad, the room seems less bright, the music less enjoyable?

We can change our realities in an instant just with the power of an emotion.

Emotions are by far the most powerful thing on our planet.  If someone could invent an emotional time bomb all other weapons would be obsolete.

In an instant we can change how we feel or think about something and that literally colours our world.

But here’s the thing.  So many people come to me with a belief created by an emotion, a belief that is holding them back.  For example ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not attractive’. This belief was created in seconds.  So why do people struggle with the concept that what can be created in seconds by an emotion can’t be corrected in seconds by a more positive one.

Ever heard the saying be careful what you wish for?  It’s the same thing.  Be careful what you allow yourself to think.

No one can make you think, feel or colour your world unless you choose to let them.

* Disclaimer: results may vary from person to person

 

Why do I do that? All behaviour serves a purpose.

I know I am always banging on about this but if one thing stayed with me from my training it’s the statement ‘all behaviour serves a purpose’ because it’s true.

No matter what people come to me for, I intently listen to the thing they want to stop doing.  Not because that’s how to improve things for them, but because that’s the biggest clue to what’s really going on.  That behaviour is almost always protecting them in some way, even though by doing so it’s causing them distress.  So I listen to what they are doing and think to myself and if they do that what is it stopping them doing.

Some examples are:

  • over eating – what’s it stopping them doing?  Losing weight – why would your subconscious put you through that?
  • I shake or stutter in public – what’s it stopping them doing? Being happy to be in public places – why would your subconscious do that?
  • I seem to only choose bullying partners – what’s it stopping them doing?  Being with someone nice – why would your subconscious do that?

The list goes on and on but the principle is the same.  The ‘why would your subconscious do that’ question helps me home in on the real issue. I work on the belief that even though the issues people are dealing with are causing them stress, they are created to protect. So my job is to work with the client to try and get to why your subconscious thinks you need protecting. By drilling down, we get to it.

These are generalizations but you’ll hopefully see what i mean…

  • over eating – by staying big you wont attract a partner so no chance of another heart break….
  • stuttering or shaking in public – well this would put you off being in public so you cant do or say anything to make yourself feel embarrassed in some way ….
  • choosing bullying partners – by doing that you can stay away from someone that might just make you really give your heart and then risk it getting broken again….or something in you makes you think you don’t deserve better….

As I said, generalisations, but it hopefully shows the maps I use to get to the root of your true issue, because what you present with is the side effect not the true problem. Roots and branches.

Some therapists will cut off the branch, i.e. give you the strength for a few weeks to diet or copping strategies to stay calm in social situations.  You will feel better for a few weeks but because you have not gotten to the root, your issue will return with vengeance and you will then feel nothing can help you.

I go for the root every time. Snip the head off a weed it will grow back, but if I pull the root out…..

 

  * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

Stepping on every other paving slab – why not?

A lot of clients I see for depression have come to me because I am their last hope.  They tried counselling and all types of therapy and now depend on drugs for an even keel. Their paths are set in their minds.

I am going to stick my neck out here but I truly believe that no one is born depressed. Oh, I concede there are genetics and stuff but as a rule I won’t accept that things have to be just because no one has been able to prove otherwise – yet!

I don’t believe our paths are set but I do believe that an ideal destination has been, that’s specific for each of us.  Years ago the Romans built one long straight road.  I believe you can walk that or rather let it lead you and that you can take a few detours and have a look around on your trip.

The people that come to me with depression can only see the one road.  They can’t see the signs all around them detouring them off for the scenic route. The drugs make that road easy but also keep you on that road, obliviousness to the scenic detours.

The first thing I say to them when they tell me there is no hope is ‘why are you here then?’ They come because something in them – a fire, a life force won’t give in. I believe it’s that life force that helps us choose the paths we want to take to our destination. If life really won’t get any better what’s the problem with just humouring me and taking a detour – you have nothing to lose after all.

Through Cog Hyp I gently lead them off the road and we take a minute to enjoy the view or the new perspective. We walk further down the detour and find it’s a different country with new experiences, the air tastes better…..

My clients say ‘that was nice but when I leave your hut I am back on my path, you can’t change fate’. But here’s the thing.  No I can’t change your fate when you leave my hut you step back into the reality of your life.  I ask my clients to notice the paving slabs leading them away from my hut and again, just to humour me, walk beside them or miss every second one on the way out.  Sounds simplistic but depression is an enormous weight and burden. It’s a prison. There is no escape in my client’s minds. The path is set.

Tiny changes equal changes that seem so insignificant to my clients but start to change their mind set.  Ever watched two ocean liners? One has a slight compass change, maybe only half a degree out on the other. For ages they run side by side but every hour they are slightly further apart.  It’s so small a change you could not notice it but over time that tiny half a degree will have them thousands of miles apart, heading to different destinations. Clients struggle to notice that half a degree but the course is set and the path has been changed.  I love it when one day they look out from the helm of their ships and realize their paths have changed. Step off the path or dare to miss every other paving slab – who knows where it could lead?

  * Disclaimer: results may vary from person to person