What part of you makes you behave as you do

What Part of you?

People come to the hut with an identity created by their issues – so I get “I’m, depressed, I’m an alcoholic, I’m over weight, I have no motivation, I have low self-worth etc.

URM………. My attitude is you are none of those things.  They are not who you are but they are what you’re doing at the moment. I also believe all behaviour serves a purpose, so there must be a purpose behind the way you are behaving. Most of the time that behaviour although in its self-debilitating in some way, I believe, its actually trying to protect you in some way.

Think about it.  Drinking to make stuff go away, comfort eating, not daring to try or look forward…

I truly believe that our behaviours are actually trying to help but that that help often causes more issues. A bit like taking anti-depressants to keep you on an even kill.  The intent is good but the outcome is rarely a desired solution state.

Behaviours are, in my mind, created by emotion.  Emotions are the things that make us unique individuals. With children, I call these emotions superheroes to give them substance and so I can dissociate the issue from the child. In adults I call them ‘parts of us’.

By very simply asking the part of you called depressed, or the part that thinks it’s got no confidence or the part that want to eat cake “what its problem is?”  The key being what IT’S problem is not what your problem is.  It never seizes to amaze me or my client what jumps into their minds!

I have low self-worth – well how can that be helping you?

I can’t stop eating cakes – how is that helping you?

I am depressed – how is that helping you?

Often the client can’t answer and just says it’s not!

But if I ask the part of them why it’s being so controlling – it’s amazing what comes out

I have no self-worth – well if I keep myself thinking that I won’t try so cant fail like last time when….

I can’t stop eating cakes – well if I keep eating cakes I feel loved close mum used to give me sweets and cakes when I was sad so………..

I am depressed – well if I stay depressed I won’t expect and won’t be disappointed again like last time when….

Generalisations but you get my drift.

All behaviour serves a purpose and that purpose is trying to protect you.

I don’t waste your time trying to make you laugh or stop eating cakes, quick fixes that solve the effect but don’t deal with cause. I work with you to help you with the issue doing what you do is protecting you from. Parts therapy is powerful because it starts straight away by making what you are struggling with part of you not all of you, freeing you from that identity, so you can look at the issue its trying to block out. *

 * disclaimer: results may vary from person to person

All behaviour serves a purpose

All behaviour serves a purpose

And it’s controlled by your own little body guard!

A young girl was bought to me because she had been expelled from school.  Well schools to be precise, because of unruly behaviour and stealing from home – her foster home.

She would do anything to gain attention that usually resulted in detention.

Various therapists had tried to help her recognise her behaviour was not acceptable but to no avail.

It seems – “stop it” was just not registering with her.

She did not want to talk to me, another therapist, and so I didn’t try to engage her.  I just requested that as she was here and I appreciated she did not want to be, that she should amuse herself for the hour while I got on with some work.

I then turned my back on her and started to talk to my toy doll, Ollie.

“Well Ollie, I don’t believe that you like getting into so much trouble, so I guess your little body guard super power has a good reason for it.  Can I talk to him please?”

I then proceeded to pull out the little bodyguard superpower from Ollie and with it gently cupped in my hand I began talking to it.

“Now little chap, this is interesting because the little girl sat behind me is with a foster family too so you two have a lot in common.” (I caught the little girl out of the corner of my eye- she was watching me)

“Ok little bodyguard.  Now either you hate school and hate your foster family…… but no, that can’t be it, because you’re the bodyguard and you’re about protection, so let me see, how is this behaviour helping you protect Ollie?”

I then suggested some things e.g.

“Do you steal to make people hate you…. now that can’t be it because you then do all you can for their attention….”

“Do you misbehave so people won’t like you…..? Now that can’t be it because you want their attention…”

“Ok little chap, you got me, I think I might finally have been beaten – I admit – I don’t know why you’re doing these things.”

I looked crest fallen and sat very quiet with a very sad look on my face. After a few minutes the little girl said very quietly “maybe it’s not because he wants attention.”

Without turning around I said, “Really – you think – no – I don’t understand that… it has to be about getting attention.”

The little girl said, “Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to be hungry.”

I still did not turn round but stayed focussed on Ollie, “no I don’t think that’s it – his foster family are lovely and take care of him so that can’t be it.”

The little girl said, “Maybe he is afraid that they might not feed him or his little sister and….”

At that point I turned around, the little girl was in tears….

Basically, she and her sister were in foster care because of an abusive family life, part of which was being locked in their room with no food for – well I don’t know how long.  If she clowned around and made her parents and their friends laugh she got “thrown” food! So she had learnt that if she acted up and did what the kids at school dared her to do they would give her sweets, she stole food from home and was hiding it and money in her room – just in case.

 All behaviour serves a purpose………..

Working with her lovely foster mum we got her a box and filed it with food, that was her emergency box for her and her little sister. Then we started working on getting her through the abuse her and her sister had suffered.

There are no bad kids, all behaviour serves a purpose and in kids it’s usually drills down to their need of security and feeling safe. I am pleased to report she has settled down and better still it looks like her foster family may well become her forever home.

   * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

 

Learn to speak ‘ Ollie ‘

An evening with Alison Knowles, author of the Ollie and his Super Powers series of books.

Ollie and his Super Powers are going on the road with dates being set for an evening introduction to speaking ‘Ollie’.  The first event is being held in St Ives, at the Free Church on the 7th September, 7-9pm.  Tickets are only £5 and are available on the door or you can get them from Caroline on Caroline@subconquest.co.uk.

You will learn why Ollie came about and get an understanding of how to use the Ollie language every day.  Its set to be an interesting evening with lots of laughs and some really useful tips.  You will also get to meet a few of our Coaches that have been trained in how to use the Ollie techniques.  The toys and books will be available to buy at discounted rates.

 

Making the difference – testimonial from a mum

Testimonial from a mum that really makes me want to do what I do.

When you get feedback that you have helped someone to be the best version of themselves it really brings it home that what you are doing is making a difference.  It might only be little steps initially but the journey has began  Or it might be big leaps and bounds with it being a ride on a jet plane.  It doesn’t matter which journey it is and it doesn’t matter how much time it takes, all that matters is that we have started that engine and we are off…..

Please read on as below as a mum describes her sons journey

Testimonial

I looked for and found Ali because the medical and school system were letting my 8 year old child down.

The Child Mental Health Service wouldn’t see him because he didn’t have specific behavioural problems and the schools inclusion worker was very nice but under the pump and 20mins a week wasn’t really effective.

As parents we had tried everything we could think of. He was being bullied, he struggled with playground politics, he wasn’t coping with the mean words being thrown at him, he spent a lot of the school day crying and/or getting frustrated, which made the bullying worse, he was getting socially isolated, he was starting to refuse to go to school, his teacher was starting to lose patience and I was feeling like it was all spiralling. I felt like this needed to be resolved now and not wait “until he matures” or “until the bullies get bored”.

From the first day we met Ali my son took to her and the way she spoke and communicated with him. She was open with him and he understood what she did and engaged with her. After one session he was on a high. So happy! Like something had been released. Someone had finally told him HOW to cope with all these feelings he was having.

He took his Ollie figure in his pocket to school so when the bad words came he could squeeze the figure and the armour would come up and protect his “heart” and over the next few days he started to work it out. One day saying “there were a few holes in my armour today mum cos some bad words got through but I will make it stronger tomorrow”.

And he has built and built up his resilience. He said to me yesterday that a child had been saying mean things and that he had only needed to squeeze Ollie for 5 seconds and he felt ok and didn’t cry and the boy left him alone. He was elated. He hasn’t said he doesn’t want to go to school for ages and seems more confident and happier and the school have noticed a change too. He said he doesn’t want/need to be in social inclusion anymore cos he has Ali now. He doesn’t come out of school in tears looking like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

I am relieved we have found a person and a technique that is so simple but actually genius and it works. It just works!

I would recommend anyone spend an hour with Ali and Ollie’s superpowers and guarantee they will come out feeling more resilient, supported and special because they now have superpowers too!

Signed :  Nicky

Learn More

If you want to learn more about Ollie and his Super Powers and the work I do specifically with children please go to https://www.ollieandhissuperpowers.com/ .  Alternatively give me a call.

 

  * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

We create our own emotion realities

Our memory is like a picture creating our own emotional realities

If you take a picture of a sunny day and happy people doing relaxing stuff and with the aid of a computer you change the cloud formation from blue to grey, you remove the sun,  add in a few thunder clouds and torrential rain you will completely change your emotional response to that picture.

If you take a favourite film and a scene of someone happily carefree skipping through the woods and change the uplifting music to the theme from Jaws, you will completely change your emotional response to that film.

Just by changing a colour or a sound we can change how you emotionally react to something. And believe me if you watch Snow White with all the happy animals to the Jaws theme music you will really struggle to not have an anxious feeling everytime you watch that movie even if you’ve given it back its original sound track.

Why is this useful to know? Well as a therapist I can’t change a past event but can change how your mind perceives that event by adjusting the memory slightly. I would be changing the grey to brighter colours and the Jaws theme to something energising, up lifting, and fun.

By doing that I can help you change for ever your emotional memory of something.  Making the memory much easier to live with or with a little more of a make-over, change it to memory that does not make you feel the need to push your anxious button.

The only thing that makes what I remember and what you remember is the emotion we attach to it that colours it.

What colour would make your emotional realities more comfortable?

 

  * Disclaimer:  results may vary from person to person

We create our own realities!

Ever noticed when you’re feeling a bit low, maybe at the onset of a cold and someone says, “you look rough.” You suddenly think, “do I”?  “It must be man flu.” And you create that reality and it probably progresses to man flu (not to be taken as lightly man flu is real).

Or, how when you’re out with friends, having a great time and someone gets a phone call with bad news.  All of you suddenly feel instantly sad, the room seems less bright, the music less enjoyable?

We can change our realities in an instant just with the power of an emotion.

Emotions are by far the most powerful thing on our planet.  If someone could invent an emotional time bomb all other weapons would be obsolete.

In an instant we can change how we feel or think about something and that literally colours our world.

But here’s the thing.  So many people come to me with a belief created by an emotion, a belief that is holding them back.  For example ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I am not attractive’. This belief was created in seconds.  So why do people struggle with the concept that what can be created in seconds by an emotion can’t be corrected in seconds by a more positive one.

Ever heard the saying be careful what you wish for?  It’s the same thing.  Be careful what you allow yourself to think.

No one can make you think, feel or colour your world unless you choose to let them.

* Disclaimer: results may vary from person to person